18+ · For adults only.
Halloween is the one night when adults are expected to dress up as someone else, walk into a room and act the part. Most of us do it for a party and then hang the costume back in the closet.
But think about what the costume actually does. It gives you permission to be a little bolder, a little less like your Tuesday-afternoon self. For couples, that permission is worth bringing home. That’s all role-play is: a game of pretend for two adults who trust each other, and Halloween is the easiest night of the year to start.
Why “new” works
You don’t need a sex therapist to tell you that routine dulls desire, but the research is reassuring.
In a well-known 2000 study, psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues found that couples who did novel, exciting activities together reported higher relationship quality. In one experiment, just seven minutes on a new and slightly challenging task together was enough to give couples a boost, compared with couples who did something mundane.
In 2019, a team led by Amy Muise took that idea into the bedroom. Across several studies, couples in established relationships felt more sexual desire on days when they did “self-expanding” activities together, meaning new experiences that made them feel they were growing or discovering something. An experiment that encouraged couples to try new things also raised desire, though its effect on overall relationship satisfaction was less clear.
Novelty is also a common fantasy. When sex researcher Justin Lehmiller surveyed 4,175 Americans for his book Tell Me What You Want, “novelty, adventure and variety” was one of the seven big fantasy themes. He notes that if you count trying new activities, role-play included, almost everyone reported fantasizing about it. (His sample was large but not representative, since it was recruited mainly online.)
None of this says role-play will fix a relationship. It says that trying something new together, with curiosity and a sense of humour, tends to wake things up.
Before the masks come out: the five-minute talk
The best role-play feels spontaneous because it was agreed on beforehand. Have this chat over coffee, not in the bedroom doorway:
- Pick a scenario together. Keep it simple for your first time (ideas below).
- Decide what’s on and off the table. If you’ve done the Yes/No/Maybe list, you already have a map. If you haven’t, start there.
- Agree on an exit. Use a safeword that would never come up in the scene (“pineapple” is a classic), or a traffic-light system: green means keep going, yellow means slow down or check in, red means stop everything, no questions asked.
- Agree on how you’ll end it. Usually that’s dropping character, a hug and a laugh about the best moment.
Consent works the same in character as out of it. It can be withdrawn at any moment. A yes to the scenario isn’t a yes to everything that might happen in it. And it’s easier to give clearly when you’re not drunk. A glass of wine for courage is fine. Five is a different game.
Easy scenarios for your first time
Start with scenes that are about flirting and tension, not elaborate plots:
- Strangers at the party. Arrive separately at a Halloween party, or at a bar, in costume. Act as if you’ve never met. Introduce yourselves with fake names, flirt as if it’s the first time, and let one of you invite the other home. It’s the gateway scene for a reason: the “character” is just a bolder version of you.
- The masquerade. Both wear eye masks and nothing that gives away who you are. The rule is no real names and no talking about your actual lives. You’ll be surprised how much a strip of lace frees you up.
- The hotel guest. One of you checks into a hotel (or “checks in” at home with a handwritten key card). The other is a guest, a concierge or a mysterious neighbour from down the hall. It works well on a long weekend away.
- The note. One of you leaves a written invitation from a character: Midnight. Wear the mask. Don’t say my name. Then you show up and play along. (Our story Rules of the Game is a good reminder of how powerful a few written rules can be.)
How not to feel silly
Everyone feels ridiculous the first time. That’s normal, and laughing is allowed. A few things help:
- Start in the costume, not the script. Get dressed, look in the mirror, have a drink, put on music. Let the character arrive on its own.
- Play a version of yourself. You don’t need a new accent. Try being you, with no history: a little more direct, a little more mysterious.
- Go slow. Tension is the whole point. Ten minutes of eye contact and flirting across a room beats any amount of dialogue.
- If you break, laugh and pick it back up, or don’t. Breaking character isn’t a failure, and some of the best nights end in giggles.
Costumes: a quick word on taste
Choose costumes that are about fantasy and mood (masks, vampires, a femme fatale, a stranger in a suit) rather than real cultures, religions or anything that plays with age. Skip “costumes” based on Indigenous dress, national uniforms or religious figures. They’re disrespectful, and nobody needs that kind of baggage in bed.
Afterwards: the part people skip
When the scene ends, step out of it on purpose. Take off the mask, say your real names, get some water, and lie close for a while. A day or two later, have a light debrief: What did you love? What would you change? Would you do it again? That conversation is how a one-night costume becomes a game you keep.
And if you’re staying in this Halloween, because of the weather, the budget or the curfew on the coast, even better. You don’t need a party to wear a mask. You need a door, a knock and someone who’s willing to play.
This article is educational and not a substitute for medical or therapeutic advice. If sex causes you pain, distress or conflict, talk to a doctor or a qualified sex therapist.
Sources
- Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). ‘Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality.’ Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.273: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10707334/
- Muise, A., Harasymchuk, C., Day, L. C., Bacev-Giles, C., Gere, J., & Impett, E. A. (2019). ‘Broadening your horizons: Self-expanding activities promote desire and satisfaction in established romantic relationships.’ Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(2), 237–258. doi:10.1037/pspi0000148: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30265020/
- Lehmiller, J. J. (2019). ‘The 7 Most Common Sex Fantasies, and How Many People Have Ever Had Them.’ Sex and Psychology (based on a survey of 4,175 Americans for Tell Me What You Want, Da Capo, 2018): https://www.sexandpsychology.com/blog/2019/3/13/the-7-most-common-sex-fantasies-and-how-many-people-have-ever-had-them/
- Planned Parenthood, ‘What is sexual consent?’: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent